Since 2014, I’ve led Union Chapel Missionary Church’s Wednesday night adult Bible study. To kick-off 2019, I tried something different. Stephanie helped me lead a five-week couple’s communication class. This was a first for her as she doesn’t seek out leadership. Truthfully, I’m not 100% certain she was on board with the idea even up to the first class.
We used Love Talk by Les and Leslie Parrot as our curriculum. My goal today isn’t to provide a review of the book or accompanying videos. Rather, it’s my hope you walk away with this Perfect Blend.
Married couples must learn to communicate
That’s not rocket science, right? Elsewhere, I’ve talked about the unexpected circumstances we faced in 2018. Today, I’m going to focus on the communication breakdown we experienced last spring. As I alluded to on that blog, I expected to begin pastoring a church this past fall. We spent the majority of last spring in the interview process.
Preferences
First, remember this key detail: Steph has lived in the same town virtually her entire life. I grew up in Kenton, moved elsewhere after high school, and then transferred to Ohio State Main Campus. If given the option, I would happily move to a condo in a city like Columbus or even Chicago. Conversely, Steph would be content to stay in the general vicinity of Lima forever.
Second, Steph “knows” my personality well. I have a “quirk”: once I set my mind on something, I have a hard time letting it go. In 2013, Hasbro released “Masterpiece Soundwave”, a re-envisioning of the classic 1984 Transformers character. The toy had a limited run, was exclusive to Toys R Us, and could not be pre-ordered. I called the local store almost daily and arrived before opening every morning that they had a general merchandise shipment. Eventually, I ended up with 1 of the only 2 units our local store received. I just couldn’t let go the idea of owning Soundwave, and pushed until I succeed.
Third, my professional background is really much more suited to a larger city than where we live. In years past, I’ve applied to and had job interviews in those bigger cities. Steph has never embraced any of the potential moves. So, likewise I “know” her personality as well. She’s a homegirl who doesn’t want to leave her family.
Breakdown
Did you notice that I put quotation marks around Know and Knows? During the pastoral interview process, Steph and I made some big assumptions about each other.
“He’s just too focused on his own agenda!”
“She’s letting fear stop her from following God!”
Neither assumption was correct. I genuinely felt the call to that church. She genuinely just wanted to be heard. Our communication broke down and we fought a lot over our assumptions about each other.
Breakthrough
Steph met with the search committee in mid-May. As we got off the interstate, she asked me if we could turn around and go home. Naturally, we couldn’t, and I reassured her it would be okay. During the meeting, Stephanie told them exactly how she was feeling. The chairman looked at Steph and said, “I hear you and I get it.” Later, Steph told me this was the first time during the entire process that she felt heard.
On our way home, Steph developed a sense of acceptance and willingness to do what God asked of her. However, on that same drive, I lost my sense of peace. I later told people, “For as much peace as I had going into the meeting, I now have twice the lack of it.” In the end, God directed me to withdraw from consideration.
However, He used this situation to do two big things in our lives.
1. It started us on a journey to trust Him deeper
I need to clarify something. My peace did not leave me because of the chairman’s comment. It left me because God wanted to see how far I was willing to go — if I was willing to give up the very thing He called me to. I withdrew from the process on June 8th because God made it crystal clear that I had to. He had another plan for our lives but first needed to test us.
However, I withdrew with the knowledge that my current job was on borrowed time. I was hired for digital marketing strategy. Analytics were a big part of my job. By June, I saw strong indications my skill set wasn’t what my employer needed. However, I knew that I could not let this information influence my decision. I had to trust God.
Since then, God has shut many doors of opportunity. He’s directing our steps and teaching us to rely on Him instead of ourselves. Individually, He’s worked on each of our hearts. He gave Steph a sense of peace unlike anything she’s experienced previously. For me, He has used my son several times to quote the exact scripture I needed in moments of doubt.
Together, we now talk more openly about our journey. It’s made us stronger. It’s made us learn to trust Him.
2. It improved our communication
While I have deep emotions, I don’t like to discuss them. I internalize them, analyze them, and then bury them.
Steph is an open book. She enjoys conversation and will often talk for an entire car ride. We enjoy many of the same things, but in this area, we’re exact opposites.
The past nine months have taught us to see the other side. As our communication improved, our respect deepened. We ask for each others’ opinions on a much more frequent basis now. I’ve learned to express my thoughts and feelings before they bubble up and explode. She’s learned to give me analytical space.
And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. — Ephesians 5:21
Our actions reflect respect for the other person. We embody Ephesians 5:21 as we set aside our personal preferences and meet each other’s needs.
The Perfect Blend
Earlier, I gave you today’s Perfect Blend: married couples must learn to communicate. Do you and your spouse struggle with communication? If so, don’t worry. We’re all works in progress, Steph and I included!
If you’d like us to pray for your marriage, send me an email and I’ll add you to my daily prayer list!